The AFL have confirmed that Saturday’s blockbusting battle for 12th spot on the ladder between Collingwood and Port Adelaide will now take on extra significance with the winning team set to become the one and only team entitled to be known as the Magpies. Andrew Demetriou appeared on Fox Sports ‘On the Couch’ last night to, as usual talk about himself, but also make the announcement about the match which the AFL have rebadged as “The John Gould Cup”. Here is a transcript of Mike Sheehan’s exclusive interview with Andrew Demetriou:
Sheehan: “Andrew thanks for joining us. After a somewhat controversial week this is a very interesting announcement is it not?”
Demetriou: “Well we see it as something that needed to happen. As you know Port Adelaide formed in 1870 and quickly adopted the name Magpies shortly after. Collingwood only came into existence in 1892. So really Port Adelaide is arguably entitled to the name anyway. When they joined the AFL in 1996 we obviously had a decision to make. At the time we received a huge number of letters from Collingwood supporters about the issue and the AFL decided then, it was probably less of a headache for us if we let Collingwood keep the name.
However upon reflection we got it wrong. What we didn’t consider is the higher the average level of illiteracy amongst Collingwood supporters. We’ve had some of that correspondence from 1996 translated by a complete imbecile and it appears what the Collingwood fans were really saying that they were happy for a change. In fact many Collingwood supporters living up around Montmorency and the more leafy parts of the old Collingwood zone thought that Magpies were pesky creatures and a real problem in particular during the spring months when they swoop.”
Sheehan: “That’s surprising Andrew. Collingwood fans are notorious for their boisterous cheering for the “Mighty Pies’”
Demetriou: “That’s exactly what we thought. But when we did a bit of research we discovered that most Collingwood supporters actually thought that ‘Pies’ was a reference to meat pies. You’ve probably noticed yourself that whenever that big boofhead Joffa Corfe screams out “Carn the Pies” his eyes start darting around trying to spot a pie boy in the area. Again it’s that intellectual issue. We’re not dealing with normal people here.”
Sheehan: “Interesting. So the winner of the match on Saturday will become the “Magpies”. What name will Collingwood adopt if they lose?”
Demetriou: “Yes I can announce that now. Eddie and the board have settled on the “Condors” and the AFL has accepted that submission. They tell me that Condors are the largest flying land birds in the western hemisphere and Eddie thought it was much more imposing than the other options available which were Canary’s or Cuckoo’s”
Sheehan: “And Andrew what can you tell us about the rumor around suggesting that even if they lose, Port Adelaide will drop the “Power” tag?”
Demetriou: “Yes I can confirm that too. After that fiasco with the Melbourne Football Club, EnergyWatch and that jerk Ben Polis we formed the view that the name “Power” had “energy” connotations and needed to go. I took some advice from Jason Mifsud the AFL’s community engagement manager. I think you know Jason don’t you? He is an outstanding man. He has my total respect and support. I think I love the man for what he has done in fostering the AFL’s relationship with the indigenous community. He is a star. A champion. In fact if I thought I could fit I’d crawl up his bum. Indeed if my car could fit I’d take the family with me. Anyway I digress, where was I? Oh yes. Jason told me the name Power had to go.
Therefore I can announce that if Port Adelaide win on Saturday they will become the Port Adelaide Magpies. If they lose they will become the Port Adelaide Penguins.”
Sheehan: “Why Penguins Andrew?”
Demetriou: “Well they’re cute little creatures with natural black and white colouring and that really sits well with the history of the Port Adelaide club. Also, and this is another announcement - Port Adelaide has sold 2 of their home games next season which will now be played at Seabreeze Stadium at Victor Harbour. Victor Harbour is a couple of hours out of Adelaide, a lovely spot with a healthy Penguin population, and the Port Adelaide club saw this as an important initiative in their goal to develop a supporter base in regional South Australia. Also I understand that the 2 game deals is worth $76 to the club and given the state of their balance sheet, that’ll do nicely thank you very much.”
Sheehan: “So what about the prospects of Collingwood adopting the name Condor, regardless of the result?”
Demetriou: “Yes good question. I know Nathan Buckley has done a lot of work at the club to improve their inside 50 and hard ball get numbers. I also understand that they recently employed a literacy specialist coach to improve their awareness in that area. One senses that the club is about change at the moment and I would not be surprised if, as you say, the club does go on to adopt the name “Condor”. But realistically unless the Port Adelaide players come down with a bout of Myxomatosis, go blind and can’t see the ball on Saturday, on form it’s hard to imagine Collingwood actually winning that match.”
Sheehan: “And I understand that the clash is to be called the ‘John Gould Cup’. Tell about the thinking behind that?”
Demetriou: “Well the clash is really about bird naming rights. A battle of the birds! A feathery fight if you like. I consider the 19th century ornithologist John Gould to be the father of bird study in Australia. You would also probably not be surprised to learn Mike, given my means and cultural status; that I have an impressive collection of his original plate monographs which hang proudly in my library at home. I just think it is a befitting name for the clash and a terrific tribute to the great man.”
Sheehan: “I’m sure you have thought about it so let me ask; what happens in the event of a draw? Which team gets the Magpie name?”
Demetriou: “Yes we have thought about that and we have decided to adopt the system used by Channel 10 in their Biggest Loser show. That is the team with the player who has had the biggest weight gain since last season, will fall below the yellow line and lose the right to the name. That of course is Dane Swan so in the event of a draw Port Adelaide with become the Magpies.”
Sheehan: “Well thank you for your time tonight Andrew. You have been most frank and informative as usual”
Demetriou: “My pleasure Mike. Can you validate my parking please?”